excuses

I make excuses a lot. For everything. I disguise them as vague explanations but they're really just excuses. What am I making excuses for? I thought it over today and I've come to the conclusion that I make excuses to hide the fact that I don't actually like life. It's like when someone says "I love my parents, but I don't like them" well, it's basically the same thing, I think. I love life, I love all aspects about it and I think it's great, but when it comes down to it I don't actually care all that much for it. And that attitude permeates all other attitudes I have about the little details of life. I ape concern for my health, responsibility towards work and school, etc... but do I actually care about these things? The answer is no, and it's been no for a very long time. I gave up on life a long time ago, and it's getting harder and harder to fake it.

I have a nightmare that I'm on that path that leads to something happening to me health wise that jumps starts me into liking life again b/c it's going to end soon. Or something happens to a loved one and the shock sends me back to living for the moment, etc. And I think, ultimately, fear is what keeps me alive. Not a fear of dying but a fear of wasted time. That I spent too many days brooding and sleeping it off.

And yet in the midst of all of this I can't help but feel like a complete contradiction b/c there are times when the world is beautiful, I feel great, and I've not got a pair of moody pants on. I start to say "fuck brooding! Fuck sleeping all day!" and I'm back out there doing my thing and being made of sunshine and unicorn poo. But at the first sign of troubles or stress I quickly get back down to this weird, defunct place where I can't take a joke and I shy away from the light.

This constant up and down is getting exhausting. I just wish I could be one way and not both so frequently.