lol

I'm such a dramatic person behind closed doors...

I never let on when I feel as low as I do in some of these Negative Nancy posts. I always soldier on, keep a smile, and joke a lot when I'm down. Distractions help and laughing keeps the seams together. And almost every morning after a night of feeling down is almost always sunnier and full of potential again. I'm a flower, and as soon as the sun comes up again, I'm full and open to the fuzzy bees of opportunity! It's the variables in the moments after I wake up that slowly chisel away at me and get me to the point of being down.

So I've gotta take better care to pay attention to these things that pick away at my wall paper and set them up like a carnival shooting game. Carry a mental red rider bb gun and when I see them pop up POP POP and shoot 'em down!

I feel like I've written these words, in different ways, a million times. These morning after posts that make me out to be super positive and sunny side up. But if I have to keep writing these and reminding myself that I have happy days, so be it. Eventually, I hope they'll bring me back to the point where I really can become master over my bad habits again. The ones that get me fixated on one trouble spot with a tear and pick away at it for countless hours until it's a huge canyon of destruction.

I think...I need to start smoking weed again. When I first started as a teenager, it was kind of like a meditation thing since I always smoked right before I went to bed. I'd write, a lot of the time, or just sit and think a lot. It was a great way for me to objectively look at things and I miss having that ability. I mean I can still do that, but not w/o some great effort lol. But with weed, it was always so...smoke, relax, and I'm there, molding the cosmos of my existence in this world with my mind and becoming a better person through that meditation. And I think, and really I'm pretty damn certain I know, what happened with my weed habit was I just...did it all the time and to the point where it was just what I did. I smoked weed to stay in a constant state of being high to deal with the crazy shit that was going on around me. And eventually, as do all things that get used for escapism, it turned on me. The things I was trying to get away from came through the fog and sunk their teeth pretty deep in me.

So now that I am on some weird flip sided opposite shit of when I was 16/17, experiencing weird opposite similarities to things that have happened to me in the past BUT BETTER, I think weed will help me become a better person...again...and shed the strange monsters that attached themselves to me all those years ago. They're actually pretty cute since my imagination makes them out to be fuzzy and funny looking, but they're pretty fucking annoying with their teeth in me. So I'll smoke some weed, relax, and then hopefully I'll get the monsters to let go and stand in front of me. I'll look at them all, one by one, and see them for what they really are. Silly, pretty colored, but greatly annoying habits and fears I must keep corralled like little children on bungee kid leashes. Oh, what was that strangely irrational fear monger monster on leash number 5? You want to run wildly into the night with my imagination and make me have a panic attack? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD, MOTHER FUCKER, LOOKS LIKE YOU GET TO SIT IN THE TIME OUT CORNER FOR BAD LITTLE MONSTERS!

(some day I'll illustrate these posts)