This long distance thing is getting to me, but not b/c of the distance. The gentlemenfriend's laptop took a dive a week or so ago and he lost his cell a bit before then. So now both of the usual modes of communication are lost, with no apparent sign of being restored to what it once was, and not talking to him for long periods of time is starting to take it's toll on me. I feel like we're not even dating anymore, which isn't the case obviously, but damn it. I mean...I think I would feel better about this if it was like a planned radio silence, but it came w/o warning, and it's left me feeling way more wanting than I like. I feel that stupid nagging feeling all the time to see his stupid smile (it's not stupid, I love his smile, but I'm not exactly being an adult right now lol) b/c just that would at least let me know that I've still got his attention b/c...chicks need that shit.
Awful, I know. How did this happen? Fucking feelings, man. ~.~
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
lol
I'm such a dramatic person behind closed doors...
I never let on when I feel as low as I do in some of these Negative Nancy posts. I always soldier on, keep a smile, and joke a lot when I'm down. Distractions help and laughing keeps the seams together. And almost every morning after a night of feeling down is almost always sunnier and full of potential again. I'm a flower, and as soon as the sun comes up again, I'm full and open to the fuzzy bees of opportunity! It's the variables in the moments after I wake up that slowly chisel away at me and get me to the point of being down.
So I've gotta take better care to pay attention to these things that pick away at my wall paper and set them up like a carnival shooting game. Carry a mental red rider bb gun and when I see them pop up POP POP and shoot 'em down!
I feel like I've written these words, in different ways, a million times. These morning after posts that make me out to be super positive and sunny side up. But if I have to keep writing these and reminding myself that I have happy days, so be it. Eventually, I hope they'll bring me back to the point where I really can become master over my bad habits again. The ones that get me fixated on one trouble spot with a tear and pick away at it for countless hours until it's a huge canyon of destruction.
I think...I need to start smoking weed again. When I first started as a teenager, it was kind of like a meditation thing since I always smoked right before I went to bed. I'd write, a lot of the time, or just sit and think a lot. It was a great way for me to objectively look at things and I miss having that ability. I mean I can still do that, but not w/o some great effort lol. But with weed, it was always so...smoke, relax, and I'm there, molding the cosmos of my existence in this world with my mind and becoming a better person through that meditation. And I think, and really I'm pretty damn certain I know, what happened with my weed habit was I just...did it all the time and to the point where it was just what I did. I smoked weed to stay in a constant state of being high to deal with the crazy shit that was going on around me. And eventually, as do all things that get used for escapism, it turned on me. The things I was trying to get away from came through the fog and sunk their teeth pretty deep in me.
So now that I am on some weird flip sided opposite shit of when I was 16/17, experiencing weird opposite similarities to things that have happened to me in the past BUT BETTER, I think weed will help me become a better person...again...and shed the strange monsters that attached themselves to me all those years ago. They're actually pretty cute since my imagination makes them out to be fuzzy and funny looking, but they're pretty fucking annoying with their teeth in me. So I'll smoke some weed, relax, and then hopefully I'll get the monsters to let go and stand in front of me. I'll look at them all, one by one, and see them for what they really are. Silly, pretty colored, but greatly annoying habits and fears I must keep corralled like little children on bungee kid leashes. Oh, what was that strangely irrational fear monger monster on leash number 5? You want to run wildly into the night with my imagination and make me have a panic attack? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD, MOTHER FUCKER, LOOKS LIKE YOU GET TO SIT IN THE TIME OUT CORNER FOR BAD LITTLE MONSTERS!
(some day I'll illustrate these posts)
I never let on when I feel as low as I do in some of these Negative Nancy posts. I always soldier on, keep a smile, and joke a lot when I'm down. Distractions help and laughing keeps the seams together. And almost every morning after a night of feeling down is almost always sunnier and full of potential again. I'm a flower, and as soon as the sun comes up again, I'm full and open to the fuzzy bees of opportunity! It's the variables in the moments after I wake up that slowly chisel away at me and get me to the point of being down.
So I've gotta take better care to pay attention to these things that pick away at my wall paper and set them up like a carnival shooting game. Carry a mental red rider bb gun and when I see them pop up POP POP and shoot 'em down!
I feel like I've written these words, in different ways, a million times. These morning after posts that make me out to be super positive and sunny side up. But if I have to keep writing these and reminding myself that I have happy days, so be it. Eventually, I hope they'll bring me back to the point where I really can become master over my bad habits again. The ones that get me fixated on one trouble spot with a tear and pick away at it for countless hours until it's a huge canyon of destruction.
I think...I need to start smoking weed again. When I first started as a teenager, it was kind of like a meditation thing since I always smoked right before I went to bed. I'd write, a lot of the time, or just sit and think a lot. It was a great way for me to objectively look at things and I miss having that ability. I mean I can still do that, but not w/o some great effort lol. But with weed, it was always so...smoke, relax, and I'm there, molding the cosmos of my existence in this world with my mind and becoming a better person through that meditation. And I think, and really I'm pretty damn certain I know, what happened with my weed habit was I just...did it all the time and to the point where it was just what I did. I smoked weed to stay in a constant state of being high to deal with the crazy shit that was going on around me. And eventually, as do all things that get used for escapism, it turned on me. The things I was trying to get away from came through the fog and sunk their teeth pretty deep in me.
So now that I am on some weird flip sided opposite shit of when I was 16/17, experiencing weird opposite similarities to things that have happened to me in the past BUT BETTER, I think weed will help me become a better person...again...and shed the strange monsters that attached themselves to me all those years ago. They're actually pretty cute since my imagination makes them out to be fuzzy and funny looking, but they're pretty fucking annoying with their teeth in me. So I'll smoke some weed, relax, and then hopefully I'll get the monsters to let go and stand in front of me. I'll look at them all, one by one, and see them for what they really are. Silly, pretty colored, but greatly annoying habits and fears I must keep corralled like little children on bungee kid leashes. Oh, what was that strangely irrational fear monger monster on leash number 5? You want to run wildly into the night with my imagination and make me have a panic attack? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD, MOTHER FUCKER, LOOKS LIKE YOU GET TO SIT IN THE TIME OUT CORNER FOR BAD LITTLE MONSTERS!
(some day I'll illustrate these posts)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I'm in such a weird place. I can't describe it but then again I don't really want to. I hate the feeling I get when I'm here. I just wish I knew how to keep my ambitions going. B/c I don't know what to do when my faded wall paper starts to become a brighter hue. Do I need to leave? Do I need to stay? The only thing I'm certain of in this forsaken place is I'm unsure down to the core of me. And I just wish I knew what exactly it was that gets me so blue.
Fears take shape but only just enough to get it's strangle hold on my scruff. I can't breath all of the time and sometimes I wonder if it's all in my mind. Do I bring this upon myself while I pursue what I thought was a good time? What do I do while I'm trapped in this place where shadows caress my fear strickened face? But at least their touch is easy enough to take, compared to what they leave in their wake.
It's been an overwhelming experience since day I was born. I've been doubting my abilities since then as well.
Fears take shape but only just enough to get it's strangle hold on my scruff. I can't breath all of the time and sometimes I wonder if it's all in my mind. Do I bring this upon myself while I pursue what I thought was a good time? What do I do while I'm trapped in this place where shadows caress my fear strickened face? But at least their touch is easy enough to take, compared to what they leave in their wake.
It's been an overwhelming experience since day I was born. I've been doubting my abilities since then as well.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
photo accepted to upcoming show!
So this is the photo that got accepted into the show. Super stoked about this. Gotta go out and find a frame for it. Might reprint it and touch it up a bit. I'm selling it for $25. I doubt it will sell but who knows!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
photos 11
The first of many photo posts I'll be making in the next couple of months. I had issues scanning due to the photo paper being glossy, so the weird lines in the images are just...technical irritations I didn't care to put effort into correcting. The point is that the originals still look boss lol.
Submitted these to a show going up in April at the college gallery. Lets see if any of them are picked!
Submitted these to a show going up in April at the college gallery. Lets see if any of them are picked!
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